


One Dance, But Not Your Life, My Darling

by readingbylamplight



Series: and when you remember my words, know that I am watching over you always [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Awesome Peggy Carter, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Captain America Sam Wilson, F/M, In which Steve stays in character and Peggy sends him back home to the future, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, hi yes I'm here to save Steve from the Russos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 06:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19204054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readingbylamplight/pseuds/readingbylamplight
Summary: He saves the jump to 1970 for last.It’s a simple job, getting in, replacing the tesseract, getting out, and then it becomes so incredibly complicated when he sees her again.He wants to stay.





	One Dance, But Not Your Life, My Darling

 

_“What do you plan to do? Walk to Austria?”_

 

She wouldn’t be proud of him, of the things he’s done.

 

Maybe that’s why the universe took her away when did it, so she wouldn't have to see it.

 

But at least he has Bucky.

 

And in the moment, after everything that’s happened, his life broken and his name burned with dishonor, that’s all that matters to him.

 

And then he loses Bucky again, this time to a decision made for Bucky’s wellbeing, to be frozen until the Wakandan doctors can find a way to heal his mind. Natasha arrives in Wakanda bearing apologies to the King, coordinates for the Raft, and a plan to break out their people.

 

“You want to talk about it?” She asks when they return, sitting outside the palace hospital where the others are being checked, and he shakes his head.

  
“Not really.”

 

A year passes, they don’t talk about the war, Tony, their broken little family scattered and hurting across the globe.

 

He finds her all curled up in an armchair on the balcony, reading a book by the sun above them, and he sits with her for a long while. It’s comfortable, basking in the warm light like the panthers do in the jungle outside the walls of the city.

 

When they kiss, something that is both unexpected and long-awaited, he realizes she tastes like sunshine.

 

At dinner, her hand falls onto his thigh, palm up in invitation, and his fingers entwine with hers without hesitation.

 

Maybe they can be a family here, maybe someday they can get back what they lost.

 

_“If that’s what it takes.”_

 

After Bucky wakes up and the treatments work, Okoye hands him the deed to a small farm out in one of the Border Tribe villages; saying it’s time to earn his keep at a citizen of Wakanda, and that he can pay her back later.  

 

They call him White Wolf.

He seems happy there.

 

And then everything falls apart.

 

A ship shows up over New York, they're in the jet going to get Vision when Steve’s phone rings. For a second he thinks it might be Tony, but it's Bruce instead, bringing the news that Tony was on the ship when it left the atmosphere. They rescue Vision and Wanda, and head out for the compound. Then to Wakanda, to hopefully save Vision’s life and prevent the stone from falling into enemy hands.

 

Through it all, Natasha is at his side, and he supposes that this might be where he is meant to be.

 

_“You told me you thought I was meant for more than this, did you mean that?”_

 

They lose.

 

Bucky disintegrates into ashes in front of him, Sam does the same when no one is watching, no one knows if Tony made it.

 

Carol brings him home twenty-two days later.

 

“I lost the kid,” He says, and he looks like he might break down right then and there.

 

They try to make a plan, there’s an argument, then Tony is slamming the arc reactor in his hand and calling him a liar.

 

“Why?” Natasha asks, hair damp from her shower, when she’s sitting on their bed. He knows exactly what she’s asking, but every part of him wishes that they didn’t have to talk about it.

 

“Why what?” He plays dumb, but she sees right through him.

 

There’s nowhere to run from this, he has to face his past. Even if it means he’ll lose her forever.

 

“Why did he call you a liar, Steve?” Her voice goes cold, “I didn’t push you to talk about Siberia because I knew it was painful but you _need_ to be honest with me now. Why did he call you a liar?”

 

The words, the truth, cling to his lungs, his throat, and he turns away from her again. The bed creaks as she shifts and the silence that follows seemingly encompasses the entire world.

 

His hands tremble at his side when he hears the short intake of breath, the realization that he never followed through on the promise he made to her almost four years ago.

 

“You didn’t tell him.” It’s barely a whisper, but he hears it, and despite everything in him wanting to say she’s wrong, he nods.

 

“You promised me you would. I _told_ you something like this would happen and you still didn’t tell-“

 

“I didn’t have a choice!”

 

“You did!” She yells, “There’s always a choice! You just made one that protected _you.”_

 

He can’t remember a time other than this that she’s yelled, and combined with her words, it shocks him into silence. Her eyes are cold, hands fisted in the blankets on their bed, jaw clenched.

 

“Get out.” She lies down, turns so that her back is to him, and roughly pulls the covers up around her shoulders, “I don’t want to see you right now.”

 

He goes, even though there’s nowhere _to_ go.

 

Thor finds him in the shared kitchen a little over an hour later, staring down into a long gone cold cup of coffee, and settles into the chair next to him.

 

“I thought you went to rest for the trip tomorrow.”

 

“I did,” Steve gave a humorless chuckle, “But let’s just say I’m not very welcome at home right now.”

 

“Ah.” Thor nodded, not pushing any further, “If you wish, you may sleep on my couch.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Thanks, bud.”

 

He takes Thor up on the offer, crashing on the oversized sofa for the night, a heavy quilt thrown over him by the Asgardian.

 

When him and Natasha meet again in the morning, preparing  for the mission, there’s a cold wall between them; and everyone can see it. They don't touch, Natasha refusing to even let her fingers graze his own as he passes her things.

 

“Natasha-”  
  
“No,” She snaps, and Rhodey raises an eyebrow across the room where he is suiting up, “We’ll talk about this later.”

 

Thanos dies, but the stones are lost.

 

And with them, hope.

 

_“Every word.”_

 

Things aren't the same, even when the coldness fades a bit as he attempts to make things right.

 

She sits in the room as he calls Tony, his hands trembling as apologies fall off his lips into the silence.

 

“I was a coward, I was afraid, I used you, and it isn't okay. I’m sorry, Tony, I should have been there for you like I said I would.”

 

Tony hangs up the phone without a word.

 

“Give him time,” Natasha says, and her stare is still laced with that anger that hasn't left her in his presence since that night, “When he’s ready, he’ll come to you.”

 

She rises, walks to where he still sits, and presses a kiss to his forehead. Her forehead falls against his head, hand cupping his cheek for a moment before she pulls away.

 

“I think we both need some time. I need to figure out if I can still trust you.”

 

“You can,” He wants to say, but doesn't, “I’ll never lie to you.” But his omission of the truth is nothing but a lie.

 

“I’m sorry,” Is what he does say, and he means it, “I’m so sorry, Tasha.”

 

She nods, walks away, and something in him knows that she isn't coming back.

 

Years pass, Pepper and Tony have a baby, Clint drops off the face of the earth, and Natasha runs the Avengers, or what's left of them anyways. He goes where she sends him without question, hoping that maybe someday she’ll be able to trust him again.

 

And then that day comes. Or at least, they're almost there, close enough to see it.

 

There’s a way to bring everyone back, but they need Tony. They have hope though, and maybe after all these years, this little bit of hope will be what brings Tony back.

 

Her hand sits on the console between them, palm up, an invitation from long ago in Wakanda, and Steve accepts it without a second thought.

 

Tony says no and offers dinner, and while Natasha wants to stay, she goes.

 

“I don't deserve to sit at the table,” She whispers when Steve asks why she didn't stay, and as if to distract herself her mouth curls up in a little smile, “And someone has to make sure that you don't do anything stupid.”

 

“Turns out, resentment is corrosive and I hate it,” Tony says when he shows up at the compound the next day, and an old weight lifts off Steve’s chest.

 

It’d been there so long, he’d forgotten what it was like to live without it.

 

_“Howard, I know you loved him. I loved him too. But this won’t bring him back. Howard, you are the one person on this earth who believes in me, I cannot lose you. Steve is gone. We have to move on, all of us. As impossible as it sounds, we have to let him go.”_

 

They win, but the price is almost _too much._

 

“See you in a minute,” She said, but then never did.

 

He’d kissed her once, just for luck, and she had kissed him back. It was their first in five years and last in their lifetime.

 

She’d brought everyone back, but at the cost that she’d never come home. That she’d never retake the now empty space at his side, that he’d never see her with damp and curling hair after a shower again, that he’d never fall asleep next

 

And as if losing her wasn't enough pain, wasn't enough sacrifice for there to be peace, they lost Tony too.

 

Tony who had stood focused and angry, holding all the power in the universe without even _flinching._ Who ended the war, who gave them peace, who would never see his daughter grow up or his son graduate highschool.

 

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.”

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you. I’m gonna miss you, buddy.”

 

Bucky looks exhausted, sad, and Steve isn't sure why he says that. He’ll be back in a only a moment.

 

_“There is not a man or woman, no matter how fit he or she may be, who is capable of carrying the entire world of their shoulders.”_

 

He saves the jump to 1970 for last.

 

It’s a simple job, getting in, replacing the tesseract, getting out, and then it becomes so incredibly complicated when he sees her again.

 

He wants to _stay._

 

Even though there’s so much he’d be leaving behind, his heart is a traitor when it comes to her. It begs him for a home that is solid and real and _theirs_ , something that he wanted so many years ago, something selfish and heartbreaking.

 

He’s walking and knocking on the door and she’s saying _come in_ and it’s all such a blur of _can I stay? I want to stay._

 

“Yes?” She says, but she doesn't look up from the paperwork.”

 

“Peggy.” He’s breathless, and she looks up, wide-eyed.

“ _Steve.”_

 

She touches his arm, seemingly to make sure he’s actually there. Real, solid, _alive._

 

“How?”

 

“It’s a long story, honestly.”

 

She calls her secretary about a family emergency, and he follows her out to the car; sitting in shocked silence as they drive out to a house in a quiet neighborhood.

 

“Now,” She says when they're sat down at the kitchen table, cups of tea between them, “I suppose it’s the time for you to fill me in.”

 

And he does, maybe even too much. But the second he starts talking he can't stop and all the sudden he’s crying and her hand is there, thumb gently wiping under his eyes.

 

He tells her about waking up after the ice, about Bucky, about how the world changed, about the wars and fights and conflicts and how they never seemed to end. About Natasha, but not the fact he loved her. About Tony, but not how cruelly he hurt him.

 

How he came back to return the Tesseract but that he’s not sure if he can go back.

 

Something clouds over the sparkle in her eyes, and she takes his hand over the table. He clings to it like a lifeline.

 

"I'd do anything to have you back, but I can't take you from them. They need you more than I do."

 

She’s so selfless, he should have remembered that she was always far better at that then he was.

 

"I _can’t._ I need you, I need this-"

"Do you? Or are you grieving and searching for something more familiar than the home you live in now?"

 

She’s right, and he knows that. But he wants to come home, to the home he lost to ice and time and death and that has now been returned to him.

 

"You are my home, Peg. Let me come home."

 

"Steve," there's something close to understanding in her eyes, "This isn't who you are, who you're meant to be. Running away."

“I’m not running. I just,” He suddenly feels exhausted, the energy sapped from his body, “I just want to go home.”

 

But where is home? It is here? Is it Europe during the war, sitting around the fire with Bucky and Peggy and the Commandos and laughing? Is it Wakanda, with Bucky and Sam and the people there that have for some reason he can't understand, taken them in? Is it Brooklyn, so changed by time but still at the core the same?

 

Is it here, in this house with her and a future before them?

 

“If you really love me, then you’ll take care of the world I left behind.”

“Peg-”

“Steven,” Her eyes brim with tears, “Can you stand by with a clear conscience when you know terrible things are happening? I don’t think you can, It’d drive you mad.”

 

She realized it before him, he realizes. If he changes _anything_ , will he be able to return to Bucky and Sam someday? Will his very presence prevent that? Is that a price he is willing to pay?

 

Is that a price she’ll allow him to pay?

 

“Dugan once asked me during a firefight what you’d say if he left me behind. You know what I said? ‘He’d say, do as Peggy says’.”

 

He chuckles, but it's a bitter thing, filled with grief.

 

“I suppose I would say that, yes.”

 

“Then you know what you should do,” She rises, crosses the room to where the gramophone sits, “but first….”

 

Peggy turns as music begins to fill the room and extends a hand to him, “I believe you owe me a dance.”

 

_“Steve was.”_

 

He leaves a note on the desk, her name written in curling script on the folded side, and knows that when she finds it, it’ll change her life forever.

 

He’s thankful for his photographic memory in the moment, not just for the fact that he’ll never forget her smile, but for that he’s able to easily recall the coordinates of where he slept for sixty-five long years.

 

‘Just because I can’t have you,’ He writes, ‘doesn’t mean you have to lose me again. Love, Steve.’

 

Maybe things will be better here.

 

_“From what Mr. Stark has told me, Captain Rogers relied heavily on you. For courage, strategy, and moral guidance. You were his support.”_

 

He goes home, and Peggy is right.

 

She’s always right.

 

Bucky looks confused when he shows back up, shifting his weight from foot to foot before a smile blooms up from his lips to his eyes. Steve wonders what he’s thinking, and later, when Sam is flying the jet back to Wakanda, to home, he remembers what Bucky said before he left.

 

“Why did you say that you’d miss me, Buck?”

 

Something sad curls up behind Bucky’s eyes, and he almost regrets asking.

 

“I know you, Steve. I knew that when you saw her, you might not be able to resist staying, and you definitely wouldn’t be able to resist looking for her.”

 

It’s like being punched in the gut but _worse._

 

He almost left Bucky behind, and Bucky knew it was going to happen. If not for Peggy’s selflessness and ability to get through to him, he would have, and he might have regretted it later in life.

 

Even with the time stone and Pym Particles, there’s some things you can't change after you do them.

 

“Buck-”

 

“It doesn't matter though,” He shakes his head, a little smile working its way back onto his face,  “You came back, even when it wasn't easy, and that’s the Steve I remember.”

 

When he passes by _that_ balcony in the palace, he almost regrets coming back, but then he remembers that he can't run away from his problems, his grief, his _life_. To do so would disrespect not only Natasha’s memory, but Tony’s, Peggy’s, everyone who they've ever lost.

 

He has to move on, he has to let go.

 

“Look at that,” Sam says after Steve opens the package sent up from Shuri’s lab, “I can’t even tell where it broke.”

 

“Well that’s good,” Steve turns, holding the edge of the shield, freshly repainted, “I think it would look bad for the new Captain America to be walking around with an obviously patched up shield, don't you think?”

 

Sam is speechless for a long moment, mouth moving to form words but nothing coming out until his brain finally catches up and settles on, “Excuse me?”

 

“You heard me. Here, try it on.”

 

Sam’s brain takes a moment to reboot after that, and then he reaches out, fingers curling around the straps on the back and bringing the shield to cover his front.

 

“How’s it feel?” Bucky asks from his chair.

 

“It uh,” Sam shifts, bends his knees a little to see how the shield moves with him, “It feels good.”

 

“Well then...”

 

Steve moves forward a step, extending a hand, “Think you're ready to be Captain America, Sam? To represent what you want the USA to be when you put on that suit?”

 

“Yeah, yeah I think I am, man.”

 

He shakes Steve’s hand, and another weight leaves his shoulders.

 

He is Steve Rogers. Just Steve.

 

He is free.

 

_“The world has changed, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best, and sometimes the best that we can do is start over.”_

 

Things get better.

 

A young artist from Brooklyn works with Spiderman to create an elaborate memorial across the Empire State Building. Tony, on one side, a glowing blue reactor in his chest with the initials _M.H.S._ in the middle, both hands holding the Ironman helmet, a wedding ring on his finger. Next, a large group of people, the flags of every country on their backs, a memorial to those who died because of the Snap, but who did not come back with everyone else. Wakanda’s flag stands out among the rest, larger and with the number of warriors who were killed in the battles in the middle. On the third, Gamora and Vision.

 

And the fourth is Natasha, somehow as vibrant and beautiful as she was in life. The top half of the dress that can be seen is black, the arrow necklace a hidden detail atop the collar unless you're close to the painting. Her hair is in curls, elegant and a vibrant red.

 

But the thing that makes it so obviously Nat, so lifelike and almost like a picture, as the expression on her face. That little half-calm, half-smirk expression brings her back to life, the look in her eyes defiant.

 

 **_We Will Not Forget Them_ ** is written in a harsh red color beneath each painting, and when he sees Peter again, he tells him that it’s perfect. That Tony would have been proud.

 

The broken little grin that follows both breaks his heart and reminds him that things will get better.

 

Someday they will all be able to smile again without it hurting.

 

Sam is the best person who could have ever worn the suit and carried the shield, and Steve lets him know that regularly. Bucky ends up on the team mentoring the New Avengers, and he does that for a handful of years; thankfully without any major world-ending events. Except for the time he and Rhodey flew across the world so Peter Parker could have an actual vacation and to prevent May Parker and Pepper Potts from murdering Nick Fury, of course.

 

When Bucky retires, fully confident that the Earth is in capable hands, he goes home to Wakanda and gets some more goats.

 

Steve goes with him, as the end of the line hasn't arrived for them yet and will not anytime soon, and builds a house on the property. He gets a dog, and then another, a third. Bucky names his stupidest goat Steve, and the one who hangs out with Goat-Steve gets named Sam.

 

“Do you regret it?” Bucky asks one day, many years later, sitting on the swing he’s put on his porch, “Coming back?”

 

Steve thinks about a thousand things in that moment. The three dogs, Goat-Sam, Goat-Steve, Morgan Stark’s facial expressions that look so much like her father’s as she did her first interview as the CEO of Stark Industries at eighteen, the Young Avengers and the good they continue to do. T’challa and Nakia’s wedding, the first Olympics in Wakanda, the kitten that clawed its way up Bucky’s leg and into his heart, currently snuggled in the collar of his shirt.

 

Natasha sitting on the balcony, holding her hand, seeing the sun in her hair. _See you in a minute._

 

Tony with that sharp grin and sass but a good heart, who deserved a far better friendship than Steve gave him. _Bring back what we lost, I hope, yes, keep what I found? I have to, at all costs. And maybe not die trying would be nice._

 

It hurts, it always hurts, but the tears don't come and the wounds on his heart doesn't reopen. Colonel the dog nuzzles at his hand and reminds him of the good.

 

“No,” and through the pain, Steve smiles, “No, I don’t.”

 

 


End file.
